Saturday, October 8, 2011

The beginning of an uncensored project

I must confess that often I have not been who I pretended to be. In fact, before this summer, I would've said or done pretty much anything if I thought it would make me seem like the person I wanted others to see me as. Take right now, for instance. I am sitting on my parent's couch with a dusty old guitar next to me, eating spaghetti squash and writing the first post of my blog, About That Yellow Praying Mantis. If someone were to come in and ask me what I was doing, the old me would respond in a number of different ways, depending on who it was, their mood, what I wanted from that person, etc. For example, if my mother came in, I would've told her I was working on homework. If my father came in, I would've told him I was looking up guitar chords on the internet. If my sister came in I would've probably told her the truth, because my sister is just plain awesome and she would think I was super cool for writing a blog about a praying mantis.

But here's the point: I know how to manipulate any situation in my favor. I've done it for the past seven years and I've gotten pretty dang good at it. In fact I've done it so much that at this point in time, I am not certain what parts of me are real and what parts I've just made up for show. Exaggeration and manipulation have been my sources of confidence for so long that even if I knew it was wrong, I refused to stop because stopping would leave me broken and bare to the rest of the world. (oooh alliteration...)

However, this summer I had a revelation of sorts! I was shocked to realize that it was possible for me to just be ME and have everyone around love me just the same. And I began to see everyone else in a different light. Instead of objects, they became human beings, people who deserve everything I have to offer, all the honesty I have to give. I became more trusting of those around me, and more caring to those I love. And above all, I started to chip away at the beautifully perfect, yet lifeless marble statue that I had hidden behind for so many years. 

This brings me to the reason why I decided to create this blog in the first place. Well actually, to be honest, no it doesn't. I saw a friend's blog on face book and thought it was awesome, so that's why I made my own. Which has nothing to do with anything I just said. Anyway though, I've decided that if I'm going to start a blog, I might as well combine it with my new found sense of honesty and create the most naked and true exploration of a 19-yr-old female's mind ever made...

So here we go. This is the beginning of my uncensored project. 

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